What goes up must come down.
All good things must come to an end.
(Insert another overused break-up cliché here.)
We have all been there, friends. Break ups aren’t fun but they’re practically inevitable. Read on for some practical and proven advice on how to get over a break up and on with your life.
Phase 1: Rock Bottom
We have a hard time getting over that initial shock and sadness that accompanies a break up because everyone is telling us to be strong and hide the tears. That is solid advice, I just happen to believe the opposite. Immediately after being dumped, I think it is okay to give yourself one epic, wallow in self-pity day. Listen to the saddest music, watch stupid movies and cry. Cry, cry, cry. Get all those tears out because tomorrow is the first day of your recovery.
Also, remember all the desserts and carbs you passed up when you were dating because you wanted to keep things tight for your unappreciative boyfriend? Well now is the time to embrace them! I’m not telling you to eat a donut. I’m telling you to eat a dozen donuts. And drink soda (real soda, not diet!) and eat mashed potatoes and anything else that could possibly comfort you.
So, the bad news about this day is you just ate more calories than Gwyneth Paltrow does in a year. The good news is when you wake up from your food-induced coma, your stomach hurts way worse than your heart and you are in prime position for phase two!
Phase 2: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
Sometimes I get really sad about a break up but then I remember there’s still wine, Jeopardy and two more Game of Thrones books to be released and I know I’m going to be okay. In the words of Ariel, “How can a world that makes such wonderful things be bad?”
Make your own list of things you love and concentrate on those, not your overwhelming sadness. If you like cats, watch cat videos every morning when you wake up. Is it productive? No. Does it make you smile? Yes. So go for it!
Phase 3: Perspective
The best advice I have ever heard in regards to a break up is to add some perspective. As horrible as you feel, there are people dealing with much, MUCH worse things all over the world. Is your boyfriend breaking up with you worse than a parent having to bury their child? Is being ‘terminally single’ worse than having a terminal illness? I’m so sorry than you feel sad and have to sit alone in your furnished apartment watching movies on your 60-inch HD television while other people go out on dates. In fact, I feel so bad for you that the rest of the world and I got together and wrote you a letter:
“Dear sweet, selfish idiot,
Get the yuck over fourself.
Love,
Woman-kind.
P.S. Sorry about the typos. We are too busy dealing with real problems to spellcheck.”
Do you feel like a jackass yet? Good. It’s okay to feel sad occasionally but remember, in the grand scheme of things, break ups aren’t that bad. You know that you’re going to get over it someday, so why not start today?
Phase 4: The Fun Part
Sooner or later, you’ll reach the point where you want to re-enter the dating world, but be careful. There are rules to rebounding in life just like there are rules for rebounding in basketball. In the NBA, if you go too hard in the paint, you get a foul. However, if you go too hard in life, you don’t get a foul, you get chlamydia. Rebound with finesse like Tim Duncan; not that fat, sweaty kid wearing protective goggles in every YMCA across the country.
Also, don’t try and fill the void from your last boyfriend. If you meet a new guy, try new experiences.
The moral of the story is break ups happen and you have to learn from them, not dwell on them. Leave your past relationships in your past where they belong. The best feeling in the world is not introducing your ex-boyfriend to your new, sexier, doctor boyfriend; that’s a close second. It’s being a confident, independent woman that doesn’t need a relationship to feel like an accomplished individual.
Want to feel a little better about yourself? My last boyfriend was a Canadian (wait it gets worst), that I met at a topless pool in Las Vegas (why is this girl giving me dating advice?), with a slight (major) cocaine habit, whose favorite song was Rack City by Tyga. Yeah, you heard me. Favorite. Song. Ever. We all make mistakes. Even this rack, rack city bitch.
Do you think you can beat me? Leave a comment with your most epic break up or worst boyfriend/girlfriend story.
